Anne Zabolio

Course: Cultural Anthropology, MWF 9-9:50 a.m.

Instructor: Carol Hayman

Legal marriage between persons of the same sex is of current concern not only in the gay community but in legislatures across the nation. Marriage between people of the same sex is not legal in any state. In addition, many states, spearheaded by California, have passed measures effectively making illegal any marriage of a gay couple performed in any other state, by defining recognized "marriage" as only between a man and a woman (Goodman A13). Obviously the opponents of gay marriage believe--and fear--that the time is coming when it will be legal, at least somewhere in the United States.

Many members of the gay community believe that a formalized partnership is just around the corner. The Vermont House on March 16, 2000, passed a bill allowing a gay "union," not a "marriage," thereby circumnavigating the measures of other states to outlaw marriage between same-sex couples (Sneyd A2). If the Senate and governor ratify this measure, thousands of same sex couples may flock to the state, which warned those from out of state that their home states probably will not recognize their union ("Couples cautioned" A2).

I interviewed gay men and lesbians in the Austin area on the subject of gay marriage. All are college educated Americans. The respondents are:

Patrick C., a white man, mid-forties;

Nell C., a white woman, 44;

Allen Z., a white man, 34;

Paul S., a white man, 35;

Nick S., a white man, 23;

Lina C., a Hispanic woman, 46;

Liz G., a white woman, Lina’s partner, 42;

myself, Anne Z., a white woman, 52

The questions I asked were:

Patrick C. does not believe that gay marriage will be legal in his lifetime and, if it is, he will not get married because he believes marriage to be an unreasonable commitment. He is not eager to make a spiritual commitment to one person. When asked what marriage meant to him, he replied, ‘Hell? That’s what my parents had." He would, however, like there to be a legal way to ensure gay people have all the rights that straight people have. However, he would like the state to stay out of personal relationships.

Patrick says he doesn’t see what all the furor is about. He came of age in the 60s, when the institution of marriage was taking quite a beating, even among heterosexual couples, and he sees no reason to subject himself to this. He qualifies his answers, however: if he fell in love with someone who wanted to get married, he says his views might change drastically overnight!

Nell C. believes that marriage between two people of the same sex will be legal in her lifetime, however, like Patrick, she would not get married. Marriage to her means "what my parents did." She is in a relationship now and when asked if she considers herself married, she said, "I just wouldn’t use that word for it." She might have a ceremony. She is "rather attached" to her lover, so, emotionally, it would be quite painful to separate but there wouldn’t be the legal complications that married people also face. Also, there wouldn’t be quite the same degree of sympathy from others--co-workers, etc. She believes, however, that gay people should have all the same opportunities for formalizing a relationship that straight people have.

Allen Z. believes marriage will be legal in some states in his lifetime. While he admits it is superstitious, he wouldn’t marry because he is afraid that it would ruin his relationship. He considers himself married. Marriage, Allen says, means "honesty and truth." If he and his partner formalize their union, they would not have a large ceremony, "...maybe a Tupperware party or something." His relationship would be hard to dissolve emotionally and financially.

While he would not legalize his union, he says, "I’m rooting for them [those who would]. I think gay marriage should be legal. When it was struck down in California, the Christian [Coalition members] were cheering that now their children will be protected. What’s that about? We’re no threat to anyone’s children."

Luz G. does not believe marriage between people of the same sex will be legal in her lifetime in the United States. If it is, however, she will get married for financial, health care, and guardianship reasons. Also, Luz and her partner each have a child to whom their mothers’ relationship is very important. Her son was happy when gay marriage was a possibility in Hawaii. He said, "Now you can go to Hawaii and get married." Luz thinks that it’s important for the children, especially coming from two divorces already, to have the idea of a family.

Luz considers her relationship a committed partnership of mutual support, interdependence, care and love. They have yet to have a ceremony, however, they may. The union would be hard to dissolve emotionally and financially--hard for the children, for their pets, and for both sets of parents. Luz recently signed a card to her partner’s mother, "Love, your daughter-in-law" and, while it upset her partner’s mother, that woman does treat Luz as a friend.

Like Patrick, Luz questions the entire concept of state-sanctioned marriage. The whole system is terminally flawed, she believes.

Paul S. would get legally married, "to have a commitment that everyone recognizes and for legal reasons." He considers himself married when he’s in a relationship. It means he is totally committed to that person and to planning their future together. He would have a ceremony. His union would be hard to dissolve emotionally.

Paul thinks that if marriage were a legal option, gay people would be more inclined to stay together, and would have the support of the community to do so. In marriage, he believes, people make a commitment and "then do whatever it takes to keep that commitment." If they’re having problems, they work them out somehow.

Nick S. is a romantic who would love to get married. At 23, he believes marriage will be legal in his lifetime. He believes marriage to be for the procreation of children: even though he cannot have children in his marriage, he would marry for love. He would consider himself married in a future relationship even if it’s not legally recognized. He would have "a big wedding with rings and everything." His union would be hard to dissolve emotionally; he would be "utterly distraught."

Nick feels that the external circumstances of two people in love shouldn’t matter, they should be allowed to marry and live happily.

Lina C. believes that she and her partner, Liz G., will be able to marry legally in their lifetime, and "it would be the natural thing to do to make it legal." She would consider herself married only if they had a commitment ceremony. To Lina, marriage means being in a committed relationship in which she feels in sync with her partner with whom she plans to grow old. She and Liz encourage each other to grow and Lina really cherishes this about their relationship. They have been talking about having a ceremony for three years and they plan to do it at some point; they just haven’t figured out how or what. Their union would be hard to dissolve. Emotionally it would be like getting a divorce, very painful. Separating the material things would be also hard.

When Lina and Liz heard about the possibility of marriage in Hawaii, they considered going there. She believes that it is only a myth that gay people cannot sustain a long-term relationship. She is eager to see it legally sanctioned. She would consider going to Vermont, even moving there.

Liz G.: "Sometimes I think it’s just around the corner and other times I think it will never happen." If it is, she would get legally married. Liz and Lina are trying to adopt a child and they both want to adopt the child so that they are protected. If something were to happen to either of them, Liz would want Lina to have the legal rights that married couples have. She sees no reason not to get married if they have the opportunity to do it.

Marriage means a lot of things to her: commitment, trust. "Those may sound like trite statements but I think they carry a lot of weight." She considers herself married, even without the ceremony. One reason Liz hasn’t pushed harder for a ceremony is that she would not be having the wedding she dreamed of growing up: her parents would not attend. Her parents have expressed alarm at their trying to adopt a child. In truth, however, they love Lina and always expect her to attend family functions. Emotionally, a breakup of their relationship would be devastating.

She wishes marriage were legal. She is surprised that it is being so openly discussed. However, she gets angry at people who care whether gay people get married or not.

Anne Z: I think marriage between people of the same sex will be legal in my lifetime, at least in some states. And I believe that if enough states make it legal, the other states will come around. I don’t believe I would get married, however: I am not sure it is a good idea to give the government a list of gay people.

Marriage means we are monogamous, we plan time to spend together, we make time for intimacy, conversation and fun, and we keep each other informed of our personal changes and revolutions. Also, when we have problems, we work things out. We have a therapist and, if we cannot agree, we make an appointment with her. She is not gay, and that’s no problem, but it is important that she is a woman.

I consider myself married in many ways. We are both very cautious people and, while we don’t live together yet, we are looking for a home to buy together now. However, there are other aspects of marriage which we do not practice, such as pooling our finances. We have approached our blending, such as it is, very slowly and carefully. There’s a joke that goes, "What does a lesbian bring on the second date?" The answer: "A U-Haul." Neither of us has U-Haul Syndrome. We have recently bought rings, which look nothing alike, and we wear them on the traditional finger. When asked by a friend what my ring means, I came up, after considerable thought with, "It is a tangible, beautiful, expensive symbol of my connection to my partner." Off and on, we discuss having a ceremony.

Our relationship would not be physically hard to dissolve at this point. We have few pieces of property together and do not depend on each other financially. Emotionally, it would be very crushing. I think that, in the past year, I have come to accept my partner as a definite, long-term, positive part of my life. Of course, she always has been, but, without legal sanction, it is easier to pretend to myself that this union isn’t as serious as a "real" marriage.

My favorite scenario would be to have each and every state institute some form of gay marriage and then have not one couple come forward to legalize that which should be no concern of a government in the first place. Okay, I admit, I’m an old hippie with a scorn for authority. But I definitely want the possibility of all the privilege than others have.

"Couples cautioned on ‘civil union’." Austin American-Statesman March 18, 2000: A2.

Goodman, Ellen. Austin American-Statesman March 2, 2000: A13.

Sneyd, Ross. Austin American-Statesman March 17, 2000: A2.

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