Class
Postings
With the completion
of each assignment, I will choose one poem from those handed in on time to be
posted on this page. This will allow you to see how your classmates interpret
the assignments. The posted poems will
be marked with my first round of editorial comments. You will then be able to
follow the poem to the edited version at the end of the semester when it’s in
the Ezine.
Assignment 1
The following poem “Rampage” is by Fran Samuelson
My editorial comments are in red and
blue.
·
In general the first poem is
the strongest poem, but is not a prose poem. You would be better off writing a
prose poem and turning it in and then use the first poem for your poem two
assignment.
·
Work on condensing your
language – I’ve made some cuts here and there. In some cases you will want to
refer to the original for comparison.
·
Poem 1 is really a nice poem –
great subject.
I heard tonight on the radio
about the Galveston storm.
It happened in 1900 to a metropolis becalmed
by the smooth words of the expert.
who studied the signs and declared
to all that there need be no fear.
Swells would only tickle the shores,
then pass. A tempest in a teapot –
a mere squall.
The wind began to moan
and none took notice.
The wind began to shout
but the citizens stood fast.
The seas began to rush ashore
and still the town (endured - a better word here).
A house leapt off its moorings
and began to (move - a better word here) away.
All over the island houses became newly
minted corks easing toward the bay.
Gurgling screams of terror floated amid
angry seafoam as flotsam and jetsam told
the sorry tale. Sodden corpses
joined streaming ribbons of debris.
A banshee-screaming madman hacked
holes in his bulging floorboards – the house sighed
then settled back onto its piers.
From his eerie rooftop vantage, he watched
his world float by.
In time a stench rose as the waters receded.
Decaying bodies floated – dumped at sea.
Days later empty husks – humans
beached returning home with the tide.
Unwilling hands gathered again and
torched the fetid flesh.
The international hub of Texas
laid to waste – the Phoenix – hope of Galveston
was snuffed out in one sodden day.
(Your poem ends here)
Cut the following red area because
it is summation that is not needed.
Now, a century later, descendants of
the lucky ones pay homage to those
that died.
The long awaited memorial will serve
as a tangible reminder of the
perennial legacy imprinted
onto the Galveston psyche.
b
Assignment 2
The following poem “Hanauma Bay” is by Michael Sutton
Hanauma Bay
Ewa, after the Eroded Crater,
past the concrete jungle,
Hanauma Bay – its lush
huge living coral reef formation,
sings with growth and color.
Pedestrians promenade along the walkway
while bathers wade in the (better word here – smooth) ocean swells.
Sunworshippers pursue a glorious Hawaiian
tan as callow men feed tropical
fish in the crystal clear pristine waters.
Waves wash sand smooth,
as a sudden squall washes over the reef.
Adventurers leap from rock outcroppings
into the cerulean ocean beyond the coral.
(This strong scene needs a stronger
ending)
Tranquil yet rugged grandeur created
by
volcanic action.
b
Assignment 3
The following poem “Texas Rain” is by Jennifer Hollers
This is a very strong landscape
poem.
Editorial changes are marked in red.
Texas Rain
The dusty mesquite and crisp grass,
Lake Travis has become a basin
ringed by evaporation.
Hill country ranchers
pray with their children
for your favor to fall upon them.
The trees know you are coming
and expand their pores
in expectation. Now, you’ve come-
with your unmistakable smell-
bringing relief to all creation.
Children run to you with open-armed delight,
instead of running for shelter.
You are welcomed.
you’ve tarried too long.
your divine body encompasses the sky
and lays upon the land-
translucent obscurity.
b
Assignment 4
The following poem “Words of Wisdom” is by Diana Leese
Editorial Comments:
·
Good, strong list poem, it
could be longer
·
Don’t double space – it weakens
the construction because there’s too much space between the declaratives,
· Editing was not marked in red.
Words of Wisdom
don’t talk back, chew with
your mouth closed
it’s only because I love you
if you don’t have something nice
to say don’t say anything at all
your face will freeze like that
say thank you, look
before you leap, wash
behind your ears, floss
because I said so
wipe your feet, share, buckle up
this will hurt me more than it hurts you
listen more than you speak, clean your room
mind your manners
b
Assignment 5
The following poem “Gas Station Bathrooms” is by Jennifer Hollers
J. Hollers
This is a very strong poem.
Editorial changes are marked in red.
(a photograph of a girl
sleeping in the corner of a dirty gas station bathroom)
I’ve spent too much time in gas station bathrooms,
the edge of bridges, verandas of paranoia,
wishing wells, thresholds of sleep…
I’ve ridden on the skirt of too many metaphors,
too many excuses, too many answers…
Hold on—
I’ve got them here-
somewhere-
I’ve just got to find them…
let me search the graffiti of my
mind.
Don’t criticize my strife; (strife
or life? – search for a better word)
all your eyes are questioning my grievance.(grievance – search for a
better word)
How dare you capture me in this unsanitary prison.
I’ll meet you in the corner-
(it’s silent there)
and my words will splinter-
into the walls- (very strong
ending)
I’ve moved this line – the poem
should end with the stronger image above in blue.
(how dare you capture me in this
unsanitary prison)
b
Assignment 6
The following poem “Granny’s Hands” is by Vicky Leatherman
Editorial Comments:
·
Good, strong poem,
·
Don’t cap all first letters,
·
Editing is not in red, I worked
with line breaks and spacing, editing out some of the language that pulled it
out of the poetic.
·
There was too much to mark in
red – consult the original poem to see what’s been done,
·
Good use of poetic image of a
hard-working woman throughout the poem.
had to support her children, two sets of twins survived,
Her practical art created by rough, hard-callused hands
saddles, belts, praying hands, holsters, guitar straps,
boots, even Bevo’s bridle
tooled, pounded and
carved from animal hide
her hands of steel that turned to feather-light touch
when cradling a newborn great-granddaughter
Funny how one of her descendants grew to marry into leather
heritage - Leatherman, changed from Liedermann on Ellis Island
strong German hands named for their craft
faces deeply lined with leather memories
Assignment 7
b
Assignment 8
b
END b