There is a lot of misinformation out there so you always have to be
careful and to read critically and source that you use. Was Noah's wife
really Joan of Ark? Did Plato invent reality or write "The Republicans?"
Several people have compiled some of these misstatements taken from students'
exams and papers.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch, who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Expdus describes this trip...including the Ten Commandments, various special effects and the building of the Suez Canal.
Zorroastologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.
Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in 'The Iliad', by Homer. Homer also wrote 'The Oddity' in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
"Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
Judyism had one big God named "Yahoo."
"The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
"Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died of an overdose of wedlock. His career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stay in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Ceasar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Julius Caesar extinguushed himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.
Then came the Middle Ages, King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.
The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to a church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the Father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100' clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah.' Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote 'Donkey Hotel.' The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife died and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. the winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
"Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. An important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.
"One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finaly the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
The fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.
"Benjamin Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pockets and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
"Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, 'In onion there is strength.'But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. "On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer of the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
Americans... wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they did not want to fight in India.
The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill withbladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Westward expansion ended at Custard's Last Stand.
"The ninteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the 'Organ of the Species.' Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The Germans took the by-pass around France's Marginal Line. This was known as the "Blintz Krieg."
The civil rights movement turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous "If I Had a Hammer" speech.
Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote "The Prince" to get a job
with Richard Nixon.
Remember, when you are unsure about something, .
